Saying 'Yes' to Life

I feel as if half of me no longer exists. How do I carry on living when half of me is missing? Erratic heartbeat, shallow breath, painful body, eyes filled with tears, voice hoarse and soft. No-one can hear my silent scream.  

Grief is inexplicable. Grief is a constant torment, a constant emptiness. A constant open wound that does not heal. A missing of your half that is so strong you cannot see yourself carrying on. Your future has been wrenched from you, your dreams, your plans. There are no more decisions to be made together. There is no together, no us, no we, no ours, just me, but half of me and sometimes less than half. My muscles are weak, my bones ache, I want to wallow in self-pity, I want to stay in bed, eat, get drunk, cry and cry and cry. I want to die. I beg him night after night to come and get me where I can be with him once again.

But, I don’t die. He does not come and fetch me.

 I take myself in hand. I ask myself: ‘do I want to die or do I want to live?’ It’s a strong question. It frightens me. I know that I must make that decision and whichever one I choose I must see it through.

My thoughts drift towards my family, my few good friends. I want to see them all and be part of their future, I want time with them, I want to be here for them. Slowly a timid answer begins to form itself in my worn out mind. Then I think of my home that Tony and I shared and that he loved, I think about all the beauty that surrounds me, I hear the wind gusts in the trees, the soft rain on my roof, the warm blanket around my shoulders, the soft silk scarf around my neck. I think about breakfasts out with my daughter, meals with the family, coffee with friends, visits to France, noodles on a Thursday with my grandson, so many things are now pouring into my head. It’s as if the shy ‘yes’ in my head has suddenly developed capital letters. “YES” it shouts, “yes, I want to live.” But how I ask myself, with this remaining half of me, how will I do this, how will I be able to, how can I manage? How can I live without you?

That little voice in my head makes itself heard: “slowly, it says, slowly!”

And so I begin, saying yes, not only to life but to everything that presents itself to me. Talks and outings, writing retreats, writing groups, grief meetings, French conversation meetings, line dancing, gym, qigong, new people. Saying yes to all of these is totally out of my comfort zone. Most of the time I just want to run a mile before attempting any as I’ve never felt that I fit in anywhere, but I push on and I force myself and slowly, very slowly and surprisingly, I begin to find glimmers of peace in each activity and experience. I find that each experience teaches me a little more about myself and others. Sometimes it feels good and sometimes just overwhelming.

And yes, that is how I begin to live, slowly, crying and remembering, hurting and missing, but living. Some days feel like small victories and some days feel like full on battles.

I hear Tony’s voice in my head. “Good girl, Elizabeth”, it says!

“Live”, it says!

 And I do, and I will, ever so slowly!

 Love and miss you, always.

Feathers and Ashes

After nearly two decades apart we had started writing to each other from two different continents. I had found a feather which I included in one of my letters to him. Unbeknown to me, he had also found a feather which he had included in his letter to me. Our letters crossed and in our next phone conversation we were amazed that we had both received each other’s feathers at the same time.

Feathers were always important to us and we felt that we always found them at meaningful moments in our lives. We took them to be good omens and felt blessed whenever we found one when we really were at a loss in one way or the other. They helped in our decisions, sometimes good and sometimes not so good and somehow helped our minds to see our paths in a clearer way.

A feather is supposed to symbolize freedom, wisdom, honour, strength but can also be interpreted as a message from a loved one who has passed, perhaps saying that everything is as it should be and urging one to remain strong.

Now, Tony has passed, I find feathers everywhere. On my doorsteps as I open my front door or my back door, on the ground as I open my car door, floating down from the sky to land in my open hand, on the earphones wrapped in plastic that were given out in the aeroplane, coming back from Toulon, at intervals as I walk down a country lane, under the table while having lunch in France, and many others in unexpected places.

I feel strongly that they are signs from Tony and I accept that and feel blessed and comforted and motivated to find the strength to carry on moving forward without him with all the sadness and loneliness locked within me.

All I have left of you, my darling angel, are my memories, your ashes and a glass filled with feathers.

I love and miss you, always.

Random Writings (My childhood kitchen)

 Asnieres Sur Seine

It's warm and the smell of chips cooking in the large, oily, stained pot on the gas stove makes my stomach rumble. I sit, naked, wet and soaped up in the kitchen sink, my mother by my side busy washing me with a large cloth. I glance sideways, eyes burning a little from a stray soap bubble and see my sister sitting at our small kitchen table looking at her school homework. "Time to lay the table!" my mother tells my sister. Dutifully, she puts books away and begins to put plates on the table. My mother leaves me in the sink to quickly put the steaks on the stove in an old pan as stained as the chip one. While sitting in the sink, feeling rather cold by now, I notice how small our kitchen is. I am only five and small myself but I feel safe, nurtured, loved and now very clean, in our small family kitchen. 

The table is against a wall with 4 chairs squashed around it. It has a floral tablecloth on it which just fits. The stove is large and the chips are bubbling merrily in the old oil filling the air with a very familiar smell. My sister is still busy putting things on the table and my mother is quickly finishing up my sink bath and wrapping a towel around me. She plonks me on the floor and leaves me there so she can go and turn the steaks in the pan. The merging of the smells of chips and frying steaks are delicious and I am eager to start my supper. 

I see my father walking into the kitchen, holding his gin in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I can see he is hungry as he is looking at the food on the stove with a smile on his face. It is now crowded in our small kitchen. Me, getting dressed on the floor, my sister, busy now with putting glasses on the table, (small tumblers which probably contain more wine than a wine glass when we do have wine and which, I would think, pleases my father no end), my mother, lifting the chips out of the pot and turning the steaks again all at the same time and my father, hovering, waiting, his cigarette smoke wafting all around us. 

We are about to sit and eat when the doorbell chimes. My mother walks to the door lifting her eyes to the sky and lets my aunt in who has come to visit from across the road. My father happily notices she is holding a bottle of red wine. She gets a chair from the lounge and squeezes in at the table which has now been pulled away from the wall. We are now really squashed and we have to hold our elbows in. The steaks and chips get shared out, the wine is poured and I get my very own small tumbler of wine mixed with a lot of water. My father gulps down his gin and starts on the red wine. I hear them all chatting together and laughing and as I observe this convivial family kitchen I feel content, loved and happy. We do not have much be we have love and laughter. The food is little but it's filling and tastes marvelous, the wine is cheap but goes straight to my little head. I fall asleep at the kitchen table, my head on my folded arms listening to my family's laughter. I am content, loved, tummy filled with steak and chips and my head spinning ever so slightly from the wine. Listening to my family laughing and chatting around me, I know I am safe.

Random Writings (The Door)

I walk to my front door. It is a cottage door with wood and a long window. Although it is closed I can feel the icy breeze seeping in through the gaps. The glass is wet and streaming and I see nothing.  My thoughts turn inwards and I wonder for a  moment what I will see when I finally open this door. I linger a while longer, anxious at all the possibilities that lurk beyond that wet, dripping pane of glass. I allow myself to dream awhile. What would I want to see, what would give me joy, what would help me, now, right now? I can't help my brain from knowing exactly what I'm going to see but I wait, one more small anticipatory moment, one breath in, one breath out, and again, and again. Finally I pluck up my courage to open the door and my hopes, however small they were, vanish in an instant. 

You are not there!

I held him while he sobbed and sobbed, his tears wetting my cheek, his body  in pain. I had never seen him cry before. He said he was crying for my sadness, crying for my pain, crying for his sudden weakness, crying, crying, crying for human suffering and the lack of understanding. I held him tight, loving him, loving the wonderful, caring human that he is, comforting him, our tears mingling. I am so blessed to know this man and so privileged to be loved by him. I love you T. 

All is well in my world

I'm really well pleased to be able to say that, as I'm so aware that one day I might not. But, then again, the attitude of being able to say that no matter what, is probably something one acquires when one is getting on in age and possibly - dare I say it - getting a little wiser! Today though, all is well and by that I mean that charming husband is having a nap just behind me, separated by a delightful divider.

 

 I feel good, dizzy and sore as normal, but good. Just made a cup of strong stove-top coffee with two biscuits and I must say this definitely increased my wellness. I have nothing planned for the day so can mooch around and do exactly as I please. Beautiful daughter's broken wrist is on the mend, a bit painful still, but getting better every day. Lovely grandson is content and happy and ever-energetic son-in-law is excited with a new project. So, yes, all is well in my world. I'm well aware that my world is a small part of the whole but as I cannot help the whole, I concentrate on my immediate circle and if that circle is filled with people who are joyful and content then that makes me happy.

Had a daughter and mom date yesterday and went to see a movie with choc and popcorn. Can't believe how exciting it was. Driving over the mountain with stunning views, getting our tray of goodies, finding our seats, watching all the trailers and finally settling in to a beautiful feel-good movie while munching on our snacks. To top it all we had a scrumptious dinner at a Chinese restaurant that served the most delicious chicken chow mein. With a glass of wine, of course. Then the thrill of driving back at night with the view now just a valley lit up with thousands of lights and knowing that 'our boys' are at home either sleeping or waiting for us, but either way knowing they are safe and sound.

What's in a name? Does your name affect who you are? Would your life be different if you had had a different name? There we go with questions again! Can't seem to help myself! I was named after the queen of England, Elizabeth (my mother was a royalist and followed their lives with great interest!) But heck, I was stuck with the name and I've never ever liked it. At school I was Liz or Lizzie (even worse) and at home my mom and dad called me Betty or Bets or Betsou, not the greatest but more acceptable. I must say I don't feel like I belong to any of these names but, I suppose, it's better to be a Betty than a 'Storm' or a 'River' or a 'Cairo or some exotic spice like 'Saffron'! So, who would I be today if my name had been a simple Mildred or Gladys or a sexy Juliette or Isabella? Well, I don't know do I, because I'm a Betty. Maybe I could change my name to Carlotta and see if a Flamenco or a Tango resonate with me more than a mere 'Betty', but I don't have the energy (nor possibly the time) to experiment with this. But it's an interesting thought! Well, to me it is anyway! I will remain a 'Betty' until my next life, and if reincarnation is a real thing, I'll wait until my new parents choose another name for me that I can dislike intensely!

I was moved nearly to tears yesterday evening as I went with the fam to the Noordhoek market for supper. We are all walking from the car and Joel and Cath are forging ahead with me kind of trudging behind with my sore hips, trying my best to keep up. I see Jack who was just behind them suddenly stopping and waiting for me and then when I caught up to him, casually linking his wrist with mine and walking with me. Not a word was spoken but that little attention meant the world to me and warmed my heart beyond belief. When I was his age I wouldn't have had a thought about a gran lagging behind. I love you, Jack, you're a special boy!

 

It's a beautiful winter's day today, cold but sunny with no wind. Went this morning for our usual weekly brekkie with Cath at Imhoff's Farm and it was splendid in this weather. Found myself looking at two young men, well built and good looking and...so young. Brought back memories of flirting and falling in love and being young and I suddenly felt my youth disappearing further into some distant past but thankfully my present is pretty marvelous and I am always joyful about it. And I can flirt with my husband who just laps it up, that's not to be scoffed at (and he's still well built and good looking, but not quite so young!)

Looking forward to chicken pies, bought from the farm this morning, with a salad, a glass of wine and a good pre-recorded movie on TV. Then bed with electric blanket waiting to welcome me into its warm arms. Small things to warm the cockles of my heart.

I will just have to remain a Betty!

I will just have to remain a Betty!

 So, what does it mean to be frugal/thrifty. To some, I suppose, it would mean not updating their car for that year or putting off their new bathroom. To me it means putting the lettuce leaves that I have not used, into the soup that I'm making so as not to waste them. I'm giggling as I type this because it's possibly being over-frugal but I do it. I hate wasting anything. I'm a planner and a list maker and perhaps a bit O.C. but it's become a way of life for me now and I really enjoy it. If I've planned my day, it's out of my head. If I've written down my list of groceries I can't forget anything and have to go back. I have my little notepad in the kitchen and when I'm getting low on something I write it down. I have a master list of things to pack when going on holiday. I have a budget. And so on. Gosh I don't sound like much fun at all but actually I am. For me, being organized is part of my life and I would find it hard to be otherwise. I also don't mean that I never ever splurge because I do (when I need something, I buy it) and it also doesn't mean that I'm not generous because I am. But somewhere in between being careful and splurgy (word doesn't exist) I find my comfort. It makes me feel at peace with the world.

The family are away for four nights and we're in charge of Luna kitty and the main house. Luna is not impressed and waits at their door. It's very quiet (a bit too quiet) and funnily enough, a bit lonely too. When we first moved into the cottage our aim was to live there until we could sell our flat (as it was noisy and we were not happy there), and buy something else. I was absolutely sure that the cottage would be much too small for us and for our furniture and belongings and that we would end up getting on each others nerves. But, even though I thought I knew myself and what I wanted, it turned out that I had no clue. Interesting! So, extra furniture was sold, extra stuff was turfed out, donated, sold and we are happy with much less in every way, space included. It's quiet and peaceful. And we don't get on each others nerves, well, not all the time! And the bonus is that we see our family more often.

At the moment I am looking at places for our annual holiday and every year we have booked somewhere extremely quiet and away from people. But we are thinking we would like to book somewhere closer to the town where the coffee places and the restaurants are. Somewhere with a bit more 'life'! Total change of ideal. This is why I try to stay as open-minded and flexible as possible because I know that anything can change at any time. I might even get to a point where I spend and accumulate recklessly. Spend a whole lot on clothes and book a flight to Hawaii!

 Well, there's no sitting outside today. Grey  skies, wind gusts, rain, squalls and colder than last week. After quite a few days of glorious weather, the rain and wind are also welcomed. Totally different mood. We made the best of the warm days and went off to Kalk Bay for fish and chips, Noordhoek for coffee and scones and Constantia for breakfast. We love eating out even though we keep things simple and share most of our meals. It works out well as we find we cannot eat as much as we used to. (But I still don't lose weight, ugh!)

We really live in an incredibly beautiful place. To be able to wake up in the morning with a whole day ahead where we have the freedom to do what we like with an array of choices, each one being more beautiful than the next, is something we are continuously grateful for. 

So, chicken soup is made (I know...boring, chicken soup...again!), it's hot and ready (not quite like me)! We will have it later with lovely bread that is delivered to us twice a week from a neighbor who is a baker from home. It gets delivered hot and scrumptious. Dunked in soup, it's utterly marvelous.

Sweet husband is doing his martial arts learning/training and I can hear some heavy breathing coming from the kitchen, which is where he practices! Sometimes it sounds like he is bringing up a fur ball!

After I've posted this I will do a bit of yoga stretching moving ever so slowly (everything hurts) and feeling more and more like an old sloth! Certainly as slow as one.

Load shedding has been particularly annoying this last week but it gets us off the laptop and TV and gets us watching the sunsets and how the light changes, the bats swooping for insects, the birds finding their nightly spot in the trees and when it's too dark to see, we go inside and light candles and watch how their flickering lights transform everything familiar to something between magical and a bit spooky. Tonight we will be in bed when load shedding begins, with our books and our headlights. Strange world. 

Woke up this morning with this question. Why is our survival instinct so strong? Yes, yes, I know, to preserve the species, but...why? Thought long and hard about it and didn't come up with any great answers - Google didn't know either! I have so many questions that Google can't answer. It's disheartening!

How time flies, already Tuesday and it was Friday yesterday! It's galloping! Well, no use thinking about it, how do I feel right now? Great! It's grey and windy outside, it's 1.15pm and I'm still in my jammies with absolutely no intention of getting dressed, body is warm and not too sore and darling hubby is having a nap behind me, behind our 'bedroom' screen. All is well, right now, in our world. We will face tomorrow when tomorrow happens. 

Another fit of giggling this morning when I woke up. Sweet hubby is still lying tucked up in bed and I have just got up and making my bed. The last thing to do is to take my spare pillow and put it on top of the other one. Hubby sees me arriving with the pillow, pretends to be terrified and says, oh no, what are you going to do with that pillow? We do have a rather weird sense of humor and can even laugh about death itself (including smothering!) Of course we both know that I would never do that (not even been tempted!) Maybe close? 

 

Yesterday had a lovely coffee in one of our preferred shops after grocery shopping. It's an organic health shop as well. All their vegetables are fresh, they smell wonderful and they have a kind of radiance about them. (Probably all in my head). Bought some alfalfa seeds for sprouting and they have already started to develop. So nice on fresh bread and butter. The coffee was delish and the views driving home were stupendous as always. We drive across the peninsula, about 6 kms to home and we go from one ocean to the other with views of both. How lucky is that? A squall hit us on the way back and the rain was coming down so heavily, we had to pull over and wait for it to pass. Certainly wouldn't like to be out at sea in one of those squalls.

Had a cosy Father's Day on Sunday with Cath and Joel and Jack. Cath had made a chicken curry with lentils and rice and we rather made pigs or ourselves and gobbled the last bit up. (I think Cath was hoping for leftovers, but no such luck, sorry!) Listened to oldies music, watched the fire, ate chocolate, drank wine and meandered home in a dizzy way, right next door. Tony went straight for his jigsaw and I watched TV. A lovely family day.

It's Friday, one of my favorite days (although most days are my favorite), but Fridays Cath and I go out for breakfast somewhere nice, somewhere different. It's always nice to be with my daughter, it's easy, it's fun it's non-judgemental, we talk, we don't talk. We can talk about anything and there is no underlying resentment or anger or any of those heavy emotions that sometimes slowly creep into a relationship. It's total acceptance on both sides and it's nice I feel lucky to have this loving relationship with my daughter and that Friday space we hold is so precious. Not that we haven't had our ups and downs together and we've had our share of crying (mostly in coffee shops) but have always managed (with a bit of work on both sides) to get back on track and be able to get the funny side out of it. I think that honesty, humility and good, truthful communication are key.

Yesterday I bought a second hand plastic chair for our front space. I never thought that a plastic chair would give me so much joy, but it is very comfortable and my back feels nice sitting in it. I love creating pretty seating spaces where I can either flop, or just lean back or sit upright (to knit or do a crossword) or eat or doze off. It's nice to have a choice. Today though it's windy and my best spot to be is inside at my little desk. Hopefully later, it will be nice enough for a whiskey in my plastic chair.

 I have just checked my 'to do' list for this morning and except for making chicken soup, which I love doing, I re-diarized everything else for tomorrow and other days, realizing that nothing I had written on this list was urgent and there was nothing on it that couldn't wait another day, another week, another month (like dusting). My mom used to say, don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today. Sorry mom, I am now doing the exact opposite and I love it. It makes me feel lucky to have my time to myself to do with what I please, when I please. Retirement is bliss, aching bones, dizziness (vertigo) and imminent demise regardless.

Sweet husband has just brought me a cup of steaming hot coffee. It's cold, grey and rainy outside so coffee is definitely very welcome.

Last night there was thunder, unusual for where we live. A loud clap, then another squall. I was happy to have a roof over my head and a duvet to lie under. I can't help thinking about others who do not have these luxuries, but I won't go there now. It's sometimes too much for my old brain to handle the injustices of this physical life. Ok, enough of that and back to nice things. 

Sweet husband and I have erratic sleep patters (not erotic - I wish!). He goes to bed, I watch TV, I go to bed and read, he gets up and eats and watches podcasts (mostly about the Ukraine/Russia war), I sleep, I wake up, he comes back to bed. I toss and turn and think and finally fall asleep, he gets up. When he got up (for the third time) last night it was just after the thunder clap and I was wondering whether he had heard it and also wondering what he was going to do. I asked, did you hear the thunder? He replies, yes! I ask, what are you going to do? No reply, silence, then, you mean about the thunder? You want me to talk to the big boss? I have a fit of giggling.

Live in the now I have to remind myself. My mind flits to the past very often, reliving many things and trying to make sense of them and trying to learn new things from different experiences that I had. (I realize that memories are tainted with time and therefore not accurate and it makes thinking about the past sometimes pointless.) Then it flits to the future, right, well that's done. I'll knit my blanket! The present, however, is quite marvelous and that's why I try and stay there as much as possible. For instance, my belly is full of coffee and raisin bread toast, my chair is comfy, my view is tranquil, I hear sweet husband pottering around doing his jigsaw at the kitchen table, birds are twittering further away, I am warm and right now nothing hurts. Hooray!

Must go make soup now.

 

 Lately I have taken to sleeping in late. Ok, excuse is that I read till late, but still, sleeping in till 11.30 am is unheard of. Inexcusable! Half the day is gone and I'm lying in bed. Ugh. Should be going for a walk on the beach or doing yoga stretches or dusting the ever increasing pile of cobwebs that miraculously appear everywhere or , or , or! The reality is that I'm 76 years old, have arthritis in my hips, walk with difficulty and ... I don't feel like doing any of those things. 

So this morning, woke up at 10am (quite early), husband still fast asleep so crept into kitchen to make a raisin bread toast with butter and a cup of Earl Grey tea. Remembered to take my pills (high blood pressure) and then sat at my favorite spot in the kitchen, a chair near the courtyard door from which I watch the birds on my feeder. I love watching them, greedy (so it seems) little sparrows and fat little white eyes all flitting around the feeders. 

 Remembered (or rather checked my list of 'to do' things) and saw that I had to go to the bank to get my internet banking unblocked. I had read the device thingie they give you the wrong way around and after three tries, I was kicked out. (I wondered why this device was showing me these strange characters but I tried my best to type them in anyway)! When I explained this to the very kind bank assistant he kind of giggled a bit and told me to always read it from left to right. He repeated this a few times! I hope I remember.

 It's raining and it's quite cold. It's cosy sitting at my desk looking out at the rain and wind blowing in the trees. Tonight we have chicken with salad and garlic mushrooms for supper and I will make chicken soup tomorrow with the bones and some nice veggies that I bought this morning while sorting out my 'device' ! I'm going to put on my warm gown now and do a bit of knitting, (it's a blanket and it will probably be ready by next winter, or maybe the next one!)

 

Been Awhile!

It certainly has been a while since I've visited my blog and all is still well! We're alive, we're relatively healthy, we're happy and life here is still exciting and good. No major changes in our beliefs except to let go more and more of set minds. We read, we look, we think. We try and work out our own truths however hard it is and toss them around like a salad, add a bit, take out a bit, and laugh at ourselves when it still doesn't taste right.

One thing that I have changed is my physical self when I decided to change my lifestyle 18 months ago. I was suffering from a really sore hip and severe reflux which affected my life tremendously. I ached when I walked and could only walk a little way without having to stop to let the pain subside. I coughed hectically every time I ate and had constant acid in my throat which burned and hurt. Not being particularly fond of doctors and modern medicine, I googled my symptoms and what I found out made a lot of sense to me. The internet suggested to lose weight, move more, eat less acid, eat less, don't fill your stomach, make your last meal at 5pm etc etc. So I did and feel better than I have felt in a long time. I lost 18 kg, bought new clothes, changed my 'look', started moving more, (Tai Chi, qigong, yoga, swimming, walking, Biodanza, line dancing) and now can walk with no pain. It hasn't always been easy! When I started my hip hurt, my throat hurt, I was popping Gaviscon pills all the time and some days were downright depressing. I thought it was all a waste of time, that I was too old, that I would hurt myself more, that I was going to end up unhealthy and sick and everything else that my little brain told me to put me off my new life. I didn't listen and persevered and slowly, slowly, the pain in my hip went away, the acid in my throat did not come up, I could walk longer, stretch further and I could dance for longer periods. Now I can do a 5km swift walk with no pain, no wheezing, no acid and it feels good. So a little sacrifice went a long way. I am grateful.

Picnic at Noordhoek Common

Lovely sitting at Noordhoek Common with our best friends, eating, drinking a bit of wine and chatting. Not as remote as Silvermine as curious dogs, with owner in tow, show much interest in our food and come sniffing around us friendly and hopeful!  

Noordhoek Common is vast and surrounded by mountains. I find the area energising and uplifting and whenever I've been there I'm relaxed, happy, joyful and grateful.

How beautiful is this for a picnic?

The field next to the common is used for horses to graze and frolic and watching them gives me such a sense of freedom.

This little stream runs through the common. There is a bench right next to it where we put all our picnic stuff and bags. Very comfy!

It was such a beautiful day we decided to end it with a walk on Noordhoek beach. There were many people who had the same idea and it was busy, but the beach is so vast that people tend to vanish among the sand and dunes.

We sat on the bench at the top of the beach and watched the sun as it disappeared into the sea.

Went home happy and full of sun, sea, trees, dogs and horses not to mention a tiny bit of wine!